A Day of Love... or Lack Thereof

So today is Valentines Day. A day meant for the celebration of love. I have honestly absolutely hated this day my entire life. I have never had a date on Valentines Day. I have never gotten the "happily ever after" feeling this day is supposed to bring people. So when February hit this year, I started building up my bitter single's hatred of this day. But then I started looking around at my life and realized that my life is so full of love that I don't have room for unhappiness or bitterness. So, in honor of this new found point of view, I decided to make a list of the things that I love.

My Love List:

1. My Kody Bear - He is healthy, happy, safe, and surrounded by love everyday. A mom could not ask for more for her son.

2. My famiily - they have supported and loved me through all of my triumphs, my failures, and my unsure moments.

3. My home - I have a safe, warm, comfortable home to come home to every night and to raise Kody in.

4. My friends - I know a lot of people say this, but I truly have the best and truest friends anyone could ask for. They catch me when I fall and push me when I want to stop.

5. My job - I have a great boss and amazing coworkers who make going to work a joy, not a chore.

6. My quiet time - God is so faithful to meet with me and wrap his arms around me.

7. Country music - It speaks to my soul

8. My cheesy TV shows - Glee, Switched at Birth, Once Upon a Time, Grimm

9. Pizza and Mexican Food - Need I say more?

10. Dr Pepper - It can heal a broken heart... I swear

11. Gerber daisies - They are by far the happiest flower in the world.

12. Any sour candies - Well, pretty much anything but chocolate.

13. Cooking - There is just something about making something wonderful for others to enjoy that makes you smile on the inside.

14. Reading - You can grow so much as a person or simply escape from your own life when things get a little too rough.

15. Cheesecake - Truly the secret way to my heart.

16. Starbucks - If you really know anything about me, this is a no brainer.

17. Sweatpants - I would live in these if it would be socially accepted.

18. Dancing - There is no way to explain how pretty and free dancing can make me feel.

19. Flip flops - Do you really ever see me in anything else unless being forced to?

And last but certainly not least...

20. My future husband - He is going to be an amazing father to Kody, a man after God's own heart, and the love I have always dreamed of. I don't know when it will happen, but I already love you and pray for you daily.

So all in all, I may not have a valentine for yet another year, but it's not a bad thing. It just means I will have yet another thing to add to my list when it happens.

Happy Valentines everyone!

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

- I Corinthians 13:4-8

Kody Markers

There are many things that change when you become a mother: you become a master as singing along with all toys (since no toys come without sound affects), you can wash bottles like a champ, you have bags under your eyes that become permanent, you learn what each sound your baby makes means, you learn to do everything with one hand since the other is always busy holding your baby, you learn to fall asleep instantly when given the chance. These things are all special and fun in their own ways, but the one thing that most women dislike about becoming a mom are the physical changes your body goes through... weight gain, hormone changes, hot flashes, grey hair. But the one that I have struggles with the most was my stretch marks.

I'm working on my weight (a slow and frustrating process, but I am blessed with a best friend who cheers me on. I am finally getting to the point of only crying when things have to do with Kody, not just because I see a sweet commercial on TV about puppies. I am getting used to the hot flashes, and thankfully, God blessed someone a long time ago with the brilliant idea of hair color to cover up my new grey hairs. But the one thing that haunted me were my stretch marks. I moisturize them, don't tan, am losing weight... anything I can do to lessen them. I have been embarrassed of them for almost a year now, until last night.

Last night, I was having my quiet time, and the Lord finally changed my heart about my stretch marks. He made me realize what they represent. They represent the perfect warm home that my stomach made for Kody. There is a mark for every time he sucked his thumb. A mark for every breath he took, every sleepy yawn, and every hicup. One for every time he turned in my belly and slept in the most perfect darkness. A mark for every time he would poke me as I sang to him. A mark for every time I dreamed of what he would turn out to be like. My stomach may not be the prettiest or most perfect stomach out there and will probably never be. Some may even call it ugly. But it held my precious baby boy until my arms could, and for that, I am so thankful.

So, yes, I have a million things to adjust to. But everything that comes from me being a mom to my perfect boy is so worth it. I no longer have stretch marks, I have Kody Markers.

Admirable

Admirable - (adjective) worthy of admiration; inspiring approval, reverence, or affection.

There are few things that I have found truly admirable in my life. I feel like words such as "amazing", "awesome", and "incredible" are overused when you think about their true meaning. Admirable is used without thinking about its true meaning. "Inspiring approval, reverence, or affection"... that's pretty intense when you really think about it. In my life, I have thought that certain people were admirable. People like my Papa or certain political leaders. I think that the way people overcome trials can be admirable. There is a group of people, however, that are truly admirable, that I never gave the respect they deserve... single mothers.

I have recently become a single mother to a beautiful and precious baby boy named Kody Landon Hill and let me tell you, it is the hardest job in the world. It is also, I realize now, the most underthanked and overlooked job. It is heart wrenchingly lonely, exhausting, never-ending, scary, and stressful. But it is also all made worth it to see your baby reach out for you and smile at you. It is a life that expands your heart to depths you never thought possible. It is a lifestyle that makes it worth falling into bed each night because you know that you gave your all to support and love your sweet baby that day.

I'm slowly learning what it means to be a single mom. There are days where I feel like all I want to do is cry because it's all that makes sense to do. There are days when I feel so alone that my heart aches. There are days where I feel like I deserve a gold medal for just getting me and Kody out of the door on time, fully dressed, with food for the day. There are also days where I become so tired that washing another bottle or making another week's worth of baby food seems like a daunting task. But despite all of these trials, I somehow make it. I learn something new about myself everyday. I learn that I am stronger than I realized and that the moments when I think my strength is going to give out, there is always someone to fall back on or run to. I now see that every single mom or dad is admirable in their own way.

I promise to be honest about my life as a single mom. I promise to share my lessons, trials, and victories. I hope that as you read this blog, you will see that God makes beauty from ashes and that you are never handed anything you can't overcome. So, here goes the beginning of my adventure a woman who is striving to be SSM - Super Single Mom.

The Lord and Love Tanks

Over the years, I have had the chance to see many relationships. I have seen flourishing, healthy, and prosperous relationships, and I have seen diminshing, sick, and failing relationships. I have noticed that all types of people are in these relationships. I could never see a common "type" of couple in the healthy relationships, nor could I see a typical "type" of couple in the unhealthy relationships. I began asking the Lord to show me what sets the healthy relationships apart from others. What is the key to having the type of relationship the Lord wants for us? One that grows each person into a better individual. One that reflects the relationship between the Lord and His church. One that is open, honest, and inviting to intimacy. The Lord has shown me two things that are vital to a healthy and lasting relationship.

The first and most important is that the relationship be formed around the Lord. Powerful things happen when the Lord is the focus. As basic and obvious as this may seem, there are many rewards that people don't think about. When the Lord is the focus of a person, healing is possible. Healing from your past, healing from strongholds, and healing from hurts that the person may not even realize they are dealing with. When then Lord is an essential part in a man's life, he is able to be strong in a gentle way, consistent for his wife, and humble enough to be open and weak in front of her. When the Lord is an essential part in a woman's life, she is able to be soft, beautiful, and vulnerable, yet fiercely devoted and loving towards her husband. When two people like this come together, the relationship will be awesome. Every relationship will have its hard times, but when the Lord is the focus, HE leads the struggles and HE leads the couple in the direction to reconcile and healing. Another vitally important reason to have the Lord as the center of your relationship is to be under His spiritual authority.... in other words, His unfailing protection. I don't know about you, but I long for the Lord's blessing and protection over my relationship.

The other aspect to a healthy relationships is something I learned from a book called The Five Love Languages. I read this book a few years ago, and it truly changed my life. Each person has a first language that is easy to speak and understand. You can learn other languages, but it is more difficult and takes effort. The love languages are just like our spoken languages. Each person has a primary love language. One that is easy for them to understand and speak. The important thing to realize about love languages is that a person's primary love language is the only one that speaks love to them. It is the only one that will mean anything to them. It is possible to learn a new love language, but it is difficult and takes effort. The five love languages are:

1. Quality Time - In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
2. Words of Affirmation - Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
3. Receiving Gifts - Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4. Acts of Service - Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5. Physical Touch - This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Every person has a "Love Tank." When a person's love tank is full, they will be happy, open, and giving in a relationship. When a person's love tank is empty, they will be closed off, distant, and guarded. The important thing to realize is that a person's love tank can only be filled by receiving their own love language. Healthy relationships are made of two people with full love tanks. You must learn your partner's love language and speak it to them constantly. If you have a different love language than that of your partner, it will take time and effort to learn how to speak it, but it is necesary to make your partner feel loved.

The Lord desires for us to have healthy relationships. Ones that will encourage each person to grow. Ones that are open, vulnerable, and strong. Each and every relationship is difficult and takes work. There will be struggles and hardships, but when the Lord is the focus and love tanks are full, success and happiness are inevitable.

L.O.V.E.

It is that time of year again. The time where everywhere you look you see hearts, flowers, and people in love. Wether or not you have someone to celebrate this time of year with, it is impossible not to think about the things and people you love. So, from the inspiration of my sister in law, I am going to share my list of the things and people I personally love.

- Jesus Christ
- My Mommy and Daddy
- Chris and Jessica
- My boyfriend Richard
- Lightning
- The Food Network
- All of my co-workers
- Victoria's Secret PINK line
- Cooking new recipes
- Starbucks
- Mexican Food
- My Mommy's care packages
- My I-phone
- All Chi products
- Giada de la Hill
- All of my amazing brother in laws
- Momma and Daddy Jordan
- Richard's Family
- Pandora
- Books of all kinds
- The Diamond H Ranch
- Jason and Lauren
- My roommate
- Courtney Miller
- My pink and black Nike Shocks
- Mac Makeup
- Cuddling with my honey
- Spoons frozen yogurt
- Cheesy dating shows on VH1
- So You Think You Can Dance
- Anything to do with Texas A&M
- Antioch Church
- Diet Dr Pepper
- Kashi Products
- Sharky's Burrito's
- Watching movies
- Listening to my daddy talk about his cows (he get's really excited)
- Learning how to shop with Jessica
- Phone calls from Richard
- Watching Chris and Jess and my parents continually fall more in love
- Cuddling with Lightning
- Subway
- Flip Flops

These are just a few of the things and people that I love. Love is such an important thing to the Lord and an essential thing to living a rich and full life. Have a Happy Valentines everyone.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- I Corinthians 13:4-7, 13

Love,
Heritage Marie

Captivating Chapter 1

I have always loved reading. I think I must get it from my mother. I do not have a memory of her that did not involve a Louis Lamour or a Clive Cussler novel in her hands. She was the one who gave me my Dr. Seusses and my Nancy Drews that shaped my young reading years. There are few books, however, that I will ever say have truly changed my life. A few years back, my dad told my mother that if she loved him, she would read a book called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. The book addressed the true heart than men are supposed to have and what three things they need. My mom and I both decided to read it and it changed the way I looked at every man in my life. They later came out with another book that was the same theory, but for a woman's heart. Captivating became the first book to ever truly change my life. I learned more about myself as a woman in that book than I ever knew about myself.

Not only do I love reading, but I love women and the amazing and unique heart that God gave us. I believe that Captivating can speak to every woman's heart as it has done for so many of the women in my life, so I have decided to work through the book and blog about it chapter by chapter. I will share what it says and what it says to my heart. I hope that as I am vulnerable with my heart, the Lord will speak to and love on yours.

Chapter One: The Heart of a Woman

You belong among the wildflowers

You beling in a boat out at sea

You belong with your love on your arm

You belong somewhere you feel free.

- Tom Petty

Unseen, Unsought, and Uncertain

What does it mean to become a woman? What is the true heart of a woman? Ask any woman you know and they will be able to rattle off a list of things that women are "supposed to be," but does anyone really ever feel like they measure up? Every woman out there feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. The result from this feeling of failure is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. Our minds tell us that after all, if we were better women, life would be so much happier and wouldn't be so hard. The ending results is feeling Unseen, Unsought, and Uncertain. We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. The result is us pouring contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. We long for intimacy and adventure, but the desires of our hearts seem to be luxuries only for those few amazing women who "have their acts together." The message to the rest of us is "try harder."

The Heart of a Woman

Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you. "God created man in his own image... male and female he created them" (Gen. 1:27). Whatever it means to bear God's image, you do so as a woman. We are woman to our soul, to the very core of our being. So the journey to discovering what the Lord meant for us to be women begins with our heart. It beings with Desire. Think back to when you were a little girl. What games did you play? What movies do you love to watch? We play dress up in pretty dresses and wait for Prince Charming to come rescue us. We watch movies of adventure and romance. Every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplacable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive.

To be Romanced

My favorite game when I was a little girl was to be the princess that my prince had to rescue. We would always fall in love, I would get captured by the evil villain, and my prince would have to go against all odds to rescue me (which in my perfect imagination, always happened). I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for. This desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl and woman. Think about the movies we watched as little girls and the movies we watch now. From Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast to Titanic, Maid in Manhatten and Last of the Mohicans. What is it that stirs us as we watch Braveheart and William Wallace pursues Murron with flowers and horseback rides in the pouring rain on the Scottish Highlands? When we are young, we want to be precious to someone - especially Daddy. As we grow older, the desire matures into a longing to be pursued, desired, and wanted as a woman. Now romance isn't all that a woman should want, we shouldn't be validated by it, but don't you want it? Don't you desire to be sought after and romanced? Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen ,wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced.

An Irreplaceable Role in a Great Adventure

There is something fierce in the heart of every woman. A woman is a warrior too, but she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way. Think of the amazing women in The Lord of the Ring trilogy or the nurses in Pearl Harbor. Think even of women like Esther and Mary and Ruth. Not "safe" and "nice" women, not merely "sweet," but passionate and powerful women who were beautiful as warriors! Women were made to be a part of a great adventure. An adventure that is shared. We don't want the adventure just for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others. At times we all want to be alone. Run away from all hurt and disappointments of the world, but we are echoes of the Trinity. Made in the image of a perfect relationship, we are relational to the core of our beings and filled with a desire for transcendent purpose.

Beauty to Unveil

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." (Psalm 45:11)

Remember twirling skirts when you were little? Remember making mom's high heels your glass slipper? Remember trying to look like mom then running to dad to show him? All young girl's hearts intuitively want to know they are lovely. Some will ask with words, "Am I lovely?" Others will simply ask with their eyes. The desire to be beautiful is an ageless longing. God has set eternity in our hearts, the longing to be beautiful is set there as well. The desire to be beautiful has caused untold grief to many women. Heart's have been broken in the pursiut for beauty. For others, including myself, beauty has been shamed, used, and abused. I have learned that posessing beauty can be dangerous. And yet, in spite of all the pain and distress that beauty causes to us as women, the desire remains. Many of us have hardened our hearts to the desire, the desire to be the Beauty. We have been hurt so deeply in this area that we no longer identify with, even resent, the longing. But... it's still there. And it's more than the desire for an outward beauty, but more - a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are. Women yearn to be seen, and be thought of as captivating. We desire to posess beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.

The Heart of a Man

In Wild at Heart, they adress the three things a man's heart needs. Every man wants a battle to fight. It's the whole thing with boy's and weapons. Men love movies like Braveheart, Gladiator, and Saving Private Ryan. Men are made for battle. And isn't it perfect since we want a man to fight for us?! Women don't fear a man's strength if he is a good man. Every man longs for adventure. Adventure is a deeply spiritual longing in the heart of every man. Adventure requires something of us, puts us to the test. Finally, every man longs for a Beauty to rescue. It's not just that a man needs a battle to fight, he needs someone to fight for. There is nothing that inspires a man to courage so much as the woman he loves. Now, can't you see how perfect God was with the desires He placed in both the man and woman's hearts? They fit beautifully together. A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero.

I hope that these blogs will speak to your heart as women. That you will allow the Lord to reveal his heart in your uniquely feminine heart. And men, I hope that as you read this, it will show you the kind of heart your woman will want and is striving to have.

Love,

Heritage Marie

Safety

This past weekend, I went to Magnolia to visit Chris and Jess. It was quite possibly the best weekend I have had in a very long time. Good cooking, good food, family, puppies, movies, and Jesus... it was an all around perfect weekend. I got to talk a lot to Jess about life. We talked about everything from looking good in a bikini in platform heels to hurts that we are having trouble dealing with. In the midst of one of our talks, we briefly brought up an issue that has haunted me my whole life (and most girls I am going to say). Safety...

What is it about that word that haunts me? It seems that in every aspect of my life I am looking for some kind of safety. I have a job to give me financial safety. I have great friends that give me social safety. I live in a great apartment that gives me an overall feeling of safety. But there is a part of me that always feels a little unprotected at times in our lives... our hearts.

As a woman, I am called to be soft. I am called to show the side of God that is vulnerable and longs for romance. I am called to be inviting. I am called to bring beauty, the escense of who God is. I am called also to be strong in a deeply feminie way. If women are called to be all of these things, why is it that so many women we see today are the opposite? They are guarded, hard, and constantly striving to "be better" rather than showing the heart God gave them. They are scared... and even more terriefied to let anyone know that. As I thought about that this weekend, I examined my own life. I thought back to when I was a little girl. Before the stresses of life and the world really meant anything to me. I rememebered being able to put my heart out there for everyone with no fear of pain or rejection. I was simply me and I felt amazing. I felt... safe.

Not too long ago, I was that hard and guarded woman. I was not vulnerable, I was not soft, and I was not inviting. I was going against my very esence as a woman. I didn't feel safe and because of that, I took care of all my fears and dangers myself. I would not put my heart out there for people to enjoy because I was protecting it. I was the only one who knew my heart and I wasn't goint to let anyone have the chance to hurt it. Now... take a look at this paragraph. How many times did I say I? That was my problem. The thing is, we are not the ones who are supposed to protect our hearts.

The Lord finally started working in my heart. He began showing me that HE is the one that is meant to take care of my fears and dangers. HE is the one that will protect my heart when I put it out there for others to enjoy. HE is the one who knows my true heart of hearts (every hurt, scar, and emotion). HE is the one who is meant to protect my heart. HE is my safety. I am able to be the woman I am called to be - soft, vulnerable, inviting, beutiful - when I am not focused on protecting myself, but rather trusting the Lord to protect my heart. He is so gentle with my heart. He is not some far off distnant God that is too busy to notice my hurts. He is the kind of God who hurts when my heart hurts. He is the God who will comfort me in ways no one else can when I am crying out to Him. He is the God who is loyal. He is the God who pursues me and romances my heart. And above all, He is the God who is jealous for me. He is jealous for my heart and will protect it passionately.

Safety of the heart is a huge issue. In any relationsip you have to feel safe. Women feel safe when the man is consistant. When she can share her heart and her thoughts and is comforted and listened to rather than turned away or blown off. They feel safe when there is patience rather than frustration, when there is love rather than anger, and when there is comfort rather than busyness.

"But the Lord is faithful, and He will strenghten and protect you from the evil one."
- 2 Thessalonians 3:3

He is faithful and He is our protector. Trust Him with your heart. Be soft. Be vulnerable. Be inviting. Show the escence of God. Feel free to grow and flourish in His safety

Love,
Heritage Marie