A Day of Love... or Lack Thereof

So today is Valentines Day. A day meant for the celebration of love. I have honestly absolutely hated this day my entire life. I have never had a date on Valentines Day. I have never gotten the "happily ever after" feeling this day is supposed to bring people. So when February hit this year, I started building up my bitter single's hatred of this day. But then I started looking around at my life and realized that my life is so full of love that I don't have room for unhappiness or bitterness. So, in honor of this new found point of view, I decided to make a list of the things that I love.

My Love List:

1. My Kody Bear - He is healthy, happy, safe, and surrounded by love everyday. A mom could not ask for more for her son.

2. My famiily - they have supported and loved me through all of my triumphs, my failures, and my unsure moments.

3. My home - I have a safe, warm, comfortable home to come home to every night and to raise Kody in.

4. My friends - I know a lot of people say this, but I truly have the best and truest friends anyone could ask for. They catch me when I fall and push me when I want to stop.

5. My job - I have a great boss and amazing coworkers who make going to work a joy, not a chore.

6. My quiet time - God is so faithful to meet with me and wrap his arms around me.

7. Country music - It speaks to my soul

8. My cheesy TV shows - Glee, Switched at Birth, Once Upon a Time, Grimm

9. Pizza and Mexican Food - Need I say more?

10. Dr Pepper - It can heal a broken heart... I swear

11. Gerber daisies - They are by far the happiest flower in the world.

12. Any sour candies - Well, pretty much anything but chocolate.

13. Cooking - There is just something about making something wonderful for others to enjoy that makes you smile on the inside.

14. Reading - You can grow so much as a person or simply escape from your own life when things get a little too rough.

15. Cheesecake - Truly the secret way to my heart.

16. Starbucks - If you really know anything about me, this is a no brainer.

17. Sweatpants - I would live in these if it would be socially accepted.

18. Dancing - There is no way to explain how pretty and free dancing can make me feel.

19. Flip flops - Do you really ever see me in anything else unless being forced to?

And last but certainly not least...

20. My future husband - He is going to be an amazing father to Kody, a man after God's own heart, and the love I have always dreamed of. I don't know when it will happen, but I already love you and pray for you daily.

So all in all, I may not have a valentine for yet another year, but it's not a bad thing. It just means I will have yet another thing to add to my list when it happens.

Happy Valentines everyone!

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

- I Corinthians 13:4-8

Kody Markers

There are many things that change when you become a mother: you become a master as singing along with all toys (since no toys come without sound affects), you can wash bottles like a champ, you have bags under your eyes that become permanent, you learn what each sound your baby makes means, you learn to do everything with one hand since the other is always busy holding your baby, you learn to fall asleep instantly when given the chance. These things are all special and fun in their own ways, but the one thing that most women dislike about becoming a mom are the physical changes your body goes through... weight gain, hormone changes, hot flashes, grey hair. But the one that I have struggles with the most was my stretch marks.

I'm working on my weight (a slow and frustrating process, but I am blessed with a best friend who cheers me on. I am finally getting to the point of only crying when things have to do with Kody, not just because I see a sweet commercial on TV about puppies. I am getting used to the hot flashes, and thankfully, God blessed someone a long time ago with the brilliant idea of hair color to cover up my new grey hairs. But the one thing that haunted me were my stretch marks. I moisturize them, don't tan, am losing weight... anything I can do to lessen them. I have been embarrassed of them for almost a year now, until last night.

Last night, I was having my quiet time, and the Lord finally changed my heart about my stretch marks. He made me realize what they represent. They represent the perfect warm home that my stomach made for Kody. There is a mark for every time he sucked his thumb. A mark for every breath he took, every sleepy yawn, and every hicup. One for every time he turned in my belly and slept in the most perfect darkness. A mark for every time he would poke me as I sang to him. A mark for every time I dreamed of what he would turn out to be like. My stomach may not be the prettiest or most perfect stomach out there and will probably never be. Some may even call it ugly. But it held my precious baby boy until my arms could, and for that, I am so thankful.

So, yes, I have a million things to adjust to. But everything that comes from me being a mom to my perfect boy is so worth it. I no longer have stretch marks, I have Kody Markers.

Admirable

Admirable - (adjective) worthy of admiration; inspiring approval, reverence, or affection.

There are few things that I have found truly admirable in my life. I feel like words such as "amazing", "awesome", and "incredible" are overused when you think about their true meaning. Admirable is used without thinking about its true meaning. "Inspiring approval, reverence, or affection"... that's pretty intense when you really think about it. In my life, I have thought that certain people were admirable. People like my Papa or certain political leaders. I think that the way people overcome trials can be admirable. There is a group of people, however, that are truly admirable, that I never gave the respect they deserve... single mothers.

I have recently become a single mother to a beautiful and precious baby boy named Kody Landon Hill and let me tell you, it is the hardest job in the world. It is also, I realize now, the most underthanked and overlooked job. It is heart wrenchingly lonely, exhausting, never-ending, scary, and stressful. But it is also all made worth it to see your baby reach out for you and smile at you. It is a life that expands your heart to depths you never thought possible. It is a lifestyle that makes it worth falling into bed each night because you know that you gave your all to support and love your sweet baby that day.

I'm slowly learning what it means to be a single mom. There are days where I feel like all I want to do is cry because it's all that makes sense to do. There are days when I feel so alone that my heart aches. There are days where I feel like I deserve a gold medal for just getting me and Kody out of the door on time, fully dressed, with food for the day. There are also days where I become so tired that washing another bottle or making another week's worth of baby food seems like a daunting task. But despite all of these trials, I somehow make it. I learn something new about myself everyday. I learn that I am stronger than I realized and that the moments when I think my strength is going to give out, there is always someone to fall back on or run to. I now see that every single mom or dad is admirable in their own way.

I promise to be honest about my life as a single mom. I promise to share my lessons, trials, and victories. I hope that as you read this blog, you will see that God makes beauty from ashes and that you are never handed anything you can't overcome. So, here goes the beginning of my adventure a woman who is striving to be SSM - Super Single Mom.